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ღ♥~* My Sanctuary *~♥ღ>>A Portal To My Thoughts<< |
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August 02 MOVED!July 30 Mom,All you ever do is tell me how selfish I am, how everything I do, I do to hurt you. All you ever do is point out all my faults and bad qualities everything you say about me is always negative. Did you ever stop to consider that maybe I was suffering too? Did you even care?
If I only think of myself I learned it from you. All you ever cared about was your pain and your problems and you still do, it's always been that way before I even met David. I had no one to talk to, no one who cared I was alone and always in my room. I had no friends. I wanted to die but all you cared about was yourself, your problems, in otherwords me; because that's what I was to you, your problem because I was making you look bad, people thought you were a bad mother because I wasnt going school and being the perfect daughter you always wanted. It's not my fault that I have issues I have those issues because of you and dad.
All you did and do is make me feel bad about myself, I was depressed all I wanted was someone to make me feel needed and loved. The Joke you sent me about the man who had a bad day and wanted to kill himself and couldnt even do that right, thats how I felt when I was living at home no matter how hard I tried I could never please you. I could never do anything right even when I did something good instead of getting praise you'd always point out how I could have done better, nothing was ever enough for you. I was never enough for you.
I felt alone, I wanted to die and you knew that but that was a joke to you, just like my poems and just like my life. All my life is to you is a joke. If you stoped thinking about yourself for just one moment you might stop to consider that I am not doing this to hurt you or to make you feel bad and this is not revenge and I am not trying you get back at you. Maybe you'd consider that what David and I have is real and we love each other.
When I met David I met some who made me feel good about myself, someone who would listen to my problems and not judge me. Someone who would hug me when I'm sad. Even when we fight he comes back and hugs me and tells me that he still loves me even though we dont always agree. He understands me and loves me for who I am faults and all. Thats all I ever wanted from you. But I guess that was too much to ask for. Maybe the reason I am doing this is to make me feel happy and stop wanting to hurt myself, not to make you unhappy and maybe that's selfish, but wanting me to go back home; to the depressive, unhappy state that I was in just so that you can be happy is selfish too, so I guess I learned it from you. If you loved me you would want me to be happy. June 01 The Unwritten Rules.Everyone knows what I'm talking about right we've all heard of the unwritten rules right? believe it or not there are some people in this world that dont know them so why dont we write them down? I was feeling lazy today and decided to search them on google and then just paste them here but I couldnt find them can you believe it? so I guess it's up to me to write down I dont remember them all but perhaps you guys can help me out...
1. Do not date your friend or best friend's ex (there are exceptions)
2. If a girl touches you when you are fliting she is interested in you.
3. If a girl walks away from you but turns back to look at you, she interested or she likes what she sees
4. When a girl gives you her number you must wait 24 hours before calling her back so that you dont seem desperate.
5. No kissing or you know what on the first date or the guy wont respect you, in other words he'll think you are a slut.
6. Dont date you're friend or best friend's little sister or any sibling for that matter its just wrong.
7. Dont go out with your best friends brother
thats all I can remember really if anyone can remember more please by all means post them in my comments and I will post it on my blog because my boyfriend doesnt seem to know what I am talking about. March 25 untitledI wrote this poem when I couldnt sleep I sort of passed out before I could finish it but here it is..
Sitting here watching you sleep,
My heart begins to weap.
Can't seem to put my mind to rest,
As I put your feelings to the test.
I'm torn in two,
As I try to figure out what to do.
What is true and what is not,
This goes against everything I've been taught.
Porn is EVIL!David watches porn he's been doing it since about the age of twelve I think it's safe to say that he's pretty addicted. I'm his girlfriend I HATE porn it’s evil, demeaning, and wrong. It makes me feel dirty and gross it's a real turn off, makes me furious it really brings out the feminist in me. I just don’t like that it makes woman out to be nothing more than a sex object and I am NOT a sex object. It makes me angry with men for treating woman with such disrespect and it makes me angry and woman for disrespecting themselves and making it okay for men to disrespect them like that. What they do doesn’t just impact them it impacts all woman and it makes it okay for men to treat us like whores. To me sex is something special and intimate shared only with the one person that you love and want to spend the rest of your life with. There's a reason it's called porn. Those girls are sluts and I don’t like feeling like a slut because I know I'm NOT. It doesn’t do wonders for my self esteem either I can tell you that much. I will never be or look like the girls in those videos and I don’t want to be either. Why can't I be enough? I feel insufficient and ugly. If I were enough he wouldn't need to look else were. It's like he desires that, like he wishes I were better, it hurt so much. I've talked to him about it, made my feelings and concerns known and for a while it worked but then he started again only this time it was behind my back it's like he thinks that as long as I don’t know about it then its okay well its not. Because porn just leads to more porn form pictures to videos and then possibly to real life cheating. Besides there's the fact that he lied to me and broke his promise its like he doesn’t even care how this makes me feel nor does he care the impact this is going to have on me when I find out which I did. I love him so much and I trust him not to "WANT" to cheat on me but he's more of a "spur of the moment" type of guy and doesn’t think about the consequences his actions are going to have until it's been done. Is porn to important that it's worth lying to me for? Is it so worth ruining our relationship over? I talked to him again when I found out that he was lying to me and watching porn behind my back and he stop again he was doing so good, stopped for so long but today I caught him watching porn on TV while he though I was sleeping what he doesn’t know is that I was trying to sleep. Just because my eyes are closed doesn’t mean I'm sleeping and I'm not deaf not to mention the fact that I'm an extremely light sleeper. He only watched for like 30 seconds before he turned the TV off but only because he thought it would wake me because he started taping it on his VCR and earlier that day I had found that he had searched for pornographic pictures on google's history and on the computer's recent documents there were a whole bunch of pictures that he had saved and deleted so that there wouldn’t be any traces left for me to find. I feel like he thinks he can out smart me like he thinks I'm stupid for example; we'll both be flipping through the channels on TV when suddenly we'll flip through a porno he's say things like "ew didn’t need to see that" or "gross every time I try to watch something with you this shit comes on" it must be awkward for him that I'm there and he cant watch I guess but he'll hold on to the channels for a few seconds before he actually changes the channel and that's because I give him this look sometimes its almost like he's looking over hoping I'll give him approval to watch it together or something. Every time that happens I worry so much because it scares me that it's going to make him crave it. He acts like he's disgusted by what he's seeing when in fact I know that he's wishing he could watch it. I'm not stupid I know its all an act why do you have to be fake like that? I asked to stop watching I didn’t ask to change the way you feel about it or pretend like you're not into it anymore I know you cant change that I'm not asking you to pretend like you don’t like it anymore I'm an idiot I know better. Don’t be two faced I hate that. What happened to being honest with me? You might as well be lying to me, it's an insult to my intelligence I don’t like being insulted. Maybe this is his way of comforting me or reassuring me but he's doing the exact opposite and by doing it behind my back you're telling me that you don’t care about my feelings and that you are deeply hurting me and that you are willing to risk that I might break up with you If I catch you this tells me that you do not love me if you are willing to lose me. I understand that this is like an addiction and it's not easy to just stop doing something you've been doing for so long but I'm not asking you to do this alone and I don’t expect it to be easy but I love you and I believe you when you say that you love me, that you want to stop and that you don’t want to hurt me. so let me help you. No more lies, complete honesty. I will understand if one day you lose control and temptation takes over just be honest about it don’t keep it to yourself, don’t hide it, hiding it wont make it go away and don’t let it turn into a cycle because of one screw up. I love you David I just want to make "us" work I believe you are my soul mate I want our love to last but I cant do it alone please, let's do it together. >>Lies<<"How can I trust you if you lie?
Trust is hard to to gain,
but easy to tear
and once broken it's hard to repair."
"Lies are little seeds of doubt.
Once you've lied telling the truth isnt enough anymore
because that seed of doubt will always be there,
and with every lie you continue to tell,
that seed grows like an ugly root or weed
and my trust wilts away like a flower that once was beautiful."
"Once trust is broken it can never be regained fully,
that tear will always be there
and the trust that was once so strong and so pure
is now fragile and tainted." Life"Life is an endless cycle of dissapointment, guilt and regret.
You havent the choice to forget.
Love is like an endless cycle of fear and pain.
In the end of the day you wonder what's to gain."
Moi. April 22 JerryThere Once was a boy named Jerry
Who was alergic to berry
He once ate berry cause he thought it was cherry
that was the end of Jerry. April 21 Breaking UpWell all my dreams have gone away
The moment you had said "Okay" You asked "if we could still be friends" But were does that leave us in the end A "hi" and an "Oh yea I dated you" Never knowing what we shoulda knew That I still loved you no mater all your flaws But were does that leave us? no where because You still would have flirted with all the girls Made me jealous until my blood curled I would have given you the silent treatment And you would have said, "Sorry I didn't mean it" But all my dreams have escaped You and me talking till it's late Making me laugh till I cried Thinking our love would never die. Well maybe endings are for the best Now that I'm out and in this mess I guess now it's time to see Who really out there loves me By: Anonymous March 20 Just Venting Sort of..I’m really confused I keep getting mixed signals and I just really don’t know what to think. Everyone keeps telling me they don’t like Josh yet they can’t give me a good reason for this… what the hell? You can’t just not like someone for no reason and act like its justified... sigh but I don’t know...sometimes I think maybe they’re onto something. I feel like things between Josh and I are kind of rocky at the moment... I have doubts sometimes it seems like he loves me but other times it’s like he doesn’t even care. Maybe he does love me but not as much as he used too.. he used to leave me messages on my cell really, really nice ones saying he loves and wants to be with me stuff like that and I can tell he was being sincere I don’t know how to explain it.. he would say it with passion you could hear it in his voice.. I love his voice...I’m so lame I kept those messages and I had completely forgotten about them until a couple days ago when I accidentally stumbled unto them on my mp3 player and wow I miss those.. Back then he used to listen to me, he doesn’t listen to me anymore... we're on the phone and he'll ask me what's wrong and I'd say nothing because he's asking me what’s wrong but he doesn’t want to know its like when you say "hi, how are you" to someone you're not actually expecting them to tell you how they are and you don’t really care you're just being polite but if I say "nothing" he'll hassle me to tell him and then when I do its like his mind just floats elsewhere and he's not listening. You know when someone's talking to you but you're not really listening you'll be like "uh huh" "hm"... "Yeah" that's what he does or he'll cut into the conversation and be like "can I call you back?" except he doesn’t call me back and I’m not supposed to take that the wrong way? I just wish things would go back to the way they were before and its days like these that really make me wish I were single again at least then I wouldn’t be stressing over stupid nonsense .. And I hate that around his friends he acts differently and he gets embarrassed because he wants to seem cool. we were having a three way conversation on msn with a friend of his once and I called him Boo bear (its my nickname for him) and he told me to shut up i cant even begin to tell you how much that hurt even now thinking about it, it still hurts.. sometime he can be so insensitive I just feel like I cant talk to him and tell him how I feel and that certain things he does hurt me because he takes it as a joke I cant have a serious conversation with him and open up to him because he makes me feel like he doesn’t care. I say something deep and he laughs that really hurts sometimes I think its me and my insecurities but sometimes its him.. so I guess its a bit of both he's screwing up but I make it worse by getting mad and overreacting and then we both say we're sorry but nothing ever gets resolved we just go back into the same stupid pattern and I’m sick of it. A big part of me is tired and wants to break up with him and another part of me wants to wait try to make things work. I don’t want to rush into a decision I might regret I still love him but if this is as far as it goes... I mean its like trying to recover spilled milk you cant you have to mop it up and let it go "If you love someone set them free" right? It makes sense I guess... it just isn’t as easy as it sounds I seriously don’t know what to do... March 15 Josh and I ; Setting the Record Straight
I was talking to a friend of mine a couple days back and he happen to mention that he really cared about me and just wanted me to be happy and that he believes Josh makes me unhappy. I know he’s not the only one that thinks the same so today I want to set the record straight, I’ll tell you what I told him so just listen… or read in this case. Have you ever had one of those days were you’ve felt like the world was coming to an end, and then one simple act of kindness, one good moment in an instance changed your day completely? One good thing can make a million bad things seem like nothing. That’s how I would explain my relationship with Josh. I’m only unhappy when I’m not with him, which is most of the time (I know) but... when I’m with him there’s no place in the world I rather be and nothing could make me feel happier. Have you ever been so happy you could cry? That’s how I feel when I’m with him. I barely see him and it kills me not being able to spend time with him. I let my fear, self doubt and insecurities cloud my judgment and common sense. With every passing day that I don’t see him my fear, doubt and insecurities grow and negative thoughts creep there way in. He just makes being apart look so easy, like he doesn’t care, sometimes he doesn’t even call for days and I just feel like he’s obviously not going out of his mind (to say the least) it hurts and it scares me. I’m afraid he’s losing interest and sometimes I get moody cause I’m going through all these different emotions all at once. I’m just so damn vulnerable around him. I go from sad and depressed to pissed off and I take my frustrations all out on him. And it’s not fair because deep down I know he loves me. I honestly don’t know how he puts up with me and my constant mood swings. If I didn’t see him for a month I would be so out of it you wouldn’t even recognize me. But if I see him just one day that month would feel like nothing, it’ll be like it never even happened. But that day of happiness can only last so long and then those fears and doubts start creeping back in again along with all my negative thoughts. Yes it’s true I’ll admit I’m sad more times that I’m happy but the times I’m happy are worth more than the times that I’m sad. Yeah I get sad, it happens but it’s not over something he’s done, it’s not his fault, it’s all my own doing, my insecurities and my doubts. Not being with him is what makes me sad. If anything I’d say he’s the one that saves me from my own unhappiness I truly believe that Josh would never intentionally hurt me. All I really want is to be with him and I’m just grateful for his love and extreme patience because I know I can be high maintenance. That’s why sometimes I just hate myself for loving him so damn much. I hope everyone understands now that you know the whole story. Before you start judging me and telling me to break up with Josh put yourself in my shoes and look at things from my point of view. And then tell me that he doesn’t deserve me. Truly tell me if you would do any different. Picture in your head someone you love with all your being, now tell me, would you break up with him/her right away or would you do everything in your power to make things work? Be honest with yourself and really take the time to think about it. Remember you can lie to me but you can’t lie to yourself. March 13/07 Josh
Everyday, every hour, every minute of every day I think about you and I wonder if you think of me and I miss you cause baby I love you so damn much. Friday when you canceled on me I was sad and disappointed but I understood and I wasn’t mad but that night after we both hung up I stayed all day by the phone waiting for you to call me back like you said you would but you didn’t. I slept with the phone by my pillow all night waiting for your call but it never came. I was crushed. Its like you didn’t miss me, it’s like you didn’t want to talk to me. Boo Bear I barely get to see you so when I do it’s a very big deal for me, it’s something I’ve been looking forward to for a long time and every time you cancel on me its like you don’t want to spend time with me. I get my hopes up and when you cancel its like you’re stomping on them. It’s like I’m not even a priority I can’t help but feel crushed every time you do that. When we’re together there’s no place in the world I rather be and nothing could make me happier. I can feel how much you love me without you even having to say anything. I look into those beautiful warm eyes of yours and I just know, I feel it in your gentle touch. But when we’re apart I can feel you grow distant with every passing day, it’s like you start to lose interest. I know I’m always getting mad at you and you must be getting sick of my mood swings. I get defensive because deep down I’m just scared. You have the key to my heart and I’m just scared you’ll drop it. I’m afraid I’m pushing you away with all my fear and doubts. Baby if I haven’t call you its not because I didn’t want to its because I feel like you don’t want to talk to me and I don’t want to bother you or make you to feel obligated to talk to me, its not what I want. I want you to want to talk to me. I want you to want to be with me. I want you to want to love me and I want to trust you completely but most of all I just want to be with you and I want to know that you want to be with me too.
Boo bear, I love you.
March 12/07
November 04 wait
Find a guy who calls you beautiful instead of hot untitltedIf a man wants you, nothing can keep him away. October 11 this morning...This morning was kind of awkward for me... well I don’t know if awkward would be the right word cause it was allot of things not just awkward but anyway here's what happened. I got on the bus and got off at Jane and Finch and went straight to Tim Horton’s cause I woke up 6 am it was now 7 am I hadn’t had any breakfast, it was raining and I could really really use the caffeine right about now and no I’m not a caffeine addict but I didn’t want to fall asleep on the bus again. anywho so I went to Tim Horton’s and there was this guy and his 2 sons just ahead of me. the youngest son walks in and holds the door open for me so I say thanks he looks at me and smiles then I walk towards the second door and the oldest son holds the door open for me and says "ladies first" I smiled and thanked him so I get in line to order my double double and breakfast sandwich then the dad yells out "did you open the door for me or for the pretty girl?" I could tell they were embarrassed, I was too but my face didn’t turn red like their lol. I felt sort of awkward because I could hear the three of them whispering behind me so I pay and walk outside, open my umbrella and head towards the bus stop next thing I know the oldest son runs out screams wait! I thought.. What’s going on? He comes up to and says: Hi I'm Andrew, the doofus staring out the window is my brother, Jack and the loud one's my dad. ME: I'm Nadia; it’s very nice to meet you thanks again for holding the door open that was very nice of you and brother. HIM: don’t mention it, so where are you headed? Me: Finch and Don Mills Him: Seneca College? Me: yeah... you know you're way around pretty well. Him: not really, I have a lot of friends that go there. Me: that explains it Him: yup pretty much Me: listen I don’t mean to be rude but I really have to go or I'll end up missing my bus Him: oh no problem just let me finish, I wanted to ask you if you wanted a lift, the weather's awful and my dad doesn’t mind. Me: that's extremely sweet of you but I'd feel better taking bus, besides I have a metro pass if I don’t use it as much as possible it'll be big waste of money.. Bye Him: you don’t trust me? Wait, one more thing... um can I call you? Me: call me..? Him: yeah can I have your number? You seem really nice and I'd like to get to know you. Me: *blush* um... I guess, sure but you should know I do have a boyfriend Him: oh... um okay...
Me: I have a pen.. do you have some paper?
Him: nope but my hand will do just fine.
Me *blush*
(he holds out his hand and i write down my number) Him: can I walk you to the bus? Me: *blush* of course Him: awesome... so how long have you and your boyfriend been dating if it’s not too bold to ask? Me: not long Him: but long enough? Me: what do you mean? Him: nothing forget it anyway your bus is here. Me: okay, well it was nice to meet you, bye Him: likewise I was really happy to get on the bus that conversation was getting really awkward and uncomfortable so anyway I got off at finch station took the Seneca express and here I am (computer class) sigh... I wonder if he's actually going to call... anyway that's what happened this morning.
EOM. June 21 It makes me wanna SCREAM!
My dad is such a pain in the ass. It’s like I’m the parent and he’s the kid, I hate it. He’s always telling me his stupid problems whether it’s financial or about my mom or about his dad getting sick whatever he dumps it all on me and it’s not like he’s trying to get things off his chest. He is always complaining he is so fucking annoying! Hello! I’m the teenager I should be the one complaining about stupid things! Sometimes I just want to strangle him and shut him up for good! But I’m no murderer… My dad just uses me; he never takes me anywhere if I go out at all it’s to run errands for him. He is so fucking selfish not once does he consider my feelings all he can think about is himself. I always have to stick up for myself he can’t even do that right all he does is end up embarrassing me. He doesn’t even try, he doesn’t even care… I like to think that he does love me… in his own way that is. Why do I have such a screwed up family? My dad is such a push over he let’s everyone at work push him around and walk all over him. Man, they laugh in his and the idiot thinks that they’re laughing at his joke, as if. Its embarrassing what a loser he is, and its really sad cause he has so much potential. If only he could stop being such a wimp and stand up to his jerk of a so called boss. How can I respect him if he cant even earn the trust of those around him. Its no wonder why I’m depressed half the time. He never listens to me; I’m just some dumb kid what the hell do I know? Well at least I don’t let people push me around besides I’m 18 an adult, officially! Dumb git. I just don’t know how to talk to him anymore and it’s not like I haven’t tried but everything I say goes in one ear and comes out the other. At fist it seems like he’s listening and he says a lot of sweet sentimental stuff, I fall into his little web of lies, forgive him and then he does it all over again god! He can be so mean sometimes and he has no idea how hurtful. He’s always lying I hate it. And he’s always fighting in front of us (my sister and I) no parent with even a shred of decency, education and respect for his kids would do that, that’s something you do in private. I hate him so much… every time I think about it I just want to cry. Some times when we’re in the car (on rare occasions) and my parents are fighting I snap and I yell for him to stop… and sometimes when I really really lose it I tell him he should be ashamed. lol (I know I’m pathetic.) Of course that doesn’t accomplish anything but what’s really hurtful is his response. “shut the fuck up and stay the hell out of this!” … I said please… and after everything I do and have done for him how could he treat me like that? He makes me feel like nothing it’s actually the other way around. If he loves me he definitely doesn’t show it. Sometimes I get really pissed off at him and I snap and say something like “I’m sick of being your personal secretary have you no shame? I’m your daughter not your mother” you who what he does? He gives me a guilt trip! He says something like “what about all the favors I’ve done for you? I take you to school everyday and how many times have I taken you in when your mother has kicked you out!?” oh my fucking god! He’s got some nerve! I cant believe him! The things I’ve done for him more than covers it, and since when are we keepings records!? I don’t own him anything! He’s my father! (unfortunately) and those aren’t favors! They’re called responsibilities as a parent! he’s supposed to do all those things! Its called being human! God! Its not like I asked to move in with him I would have been much happier at my friend’s place but of course he wouldn’t allow that so what the hell is complaining about!? How could he say that? He’s got the balls to take advantage and use me; his daughter the only person that will help him cause my mother couldn’t give a shit, even when they rushed him to the emergency room, who was the one that wouldn’t leave his side and signed all the paper work and stayed up all night in the hospital in a crusty old chair just so that he wouldn’t have to be alone!? Me that’s right me my mom didn’t even call and I got into huge trouble with my mom cause because of him and his stupid problem at the hospital I broke plans that I had made with my mom and she got jealous that I chose my dad over her and she kicked me out of the house and do you think that he tried to talk to my mom to try and smooth things over for me? of course not! I had to do it all myself! And who do you think made sure he got home care while I couldn’t be there to help him out? And who do you think cooked and cleaned and helped him changed all that time he was incapacitated? It was all me but does he see that? Does he appreciate that? No! no he doesn’t! he’s got the balls to do all of that but he wont even stand up to his stupid boss!? How can I be anything but mad? He treats me like shit but he lets everyone else use him like a rug! What the hell is that? How can I not shut myself out from the world around me? Can you honestly blame me? All I want to do is crawl into a hole and die. Your parents are supposed to be your shelter. The person you run to for anything, but who do you run to when the one that causes you pain is the one that’s supposed to make it go away? My mom, now she’s a whole other story. Don’t get me wrong, she great, a lot better than my dad. I wouldn’t be here if she wasn’t. she’s my dad’s total opposite a true example of that saying “opposites attract” here’s the “but” sometimes… a lot of the time (especially lately) she can be just as bad as my dad. She doesn’t dump her problems on me, she keeps them inside, to herself which can be just as bad. She thinks she’s such a great mom touching it out, keeping it all to herself. until it all piles up that is. To point that any little thing, no matter how “little” tops the knot, she snaps and goes psycho mom on me, losing all judgment all sense of proportion. She takes small things like, I don’t know forgetting to put the cap back on the toothpaste and makes it into this huge issue, like getting pregnant or something. And she can be so mean, to think she’d be capable of saying such things is unthinkable. She belittle me, insults me she says such hurtful things, things you don’t easily forget. And for what? Not putting the cap back on the toothpaste? I don’t think so; it goes way deeper than that. And she’s so stubborn! She will never say she’s sorry or admit that she was wrong. She always blames other people and makes up excuses instead of just admitted that she’s not perfect and she made a mistake. I know she loves me, I don’t doubt it, and I love her too, so much. That’s why it hurts so much when she does those things. And the thing is, she always focuses all her rage and frustration at me, I’m the target. She uses me to vent on, blow steam. She takes it all out on me. But I can only take so much I’m just a kid! I know she’s got problems and that she’s just frustrated and that she doesn’t mean any of it, bah blah blah. But it still hurts like hell. I just don’t know how much more of this I can take, though I do have to admit that all the good things my mom has done for me all my life out ways the bad by far. But no matter what I do its like I’m always caught in the middle my mom on one side and my dad on the other. I’ve got frustrations too, its like I’m the only one that cant vent. With my mom and dad always venting/complaining there’s no room for me. Are they dumb or what? I’m a teen for goodness sakes! I should be the one venting and lashing out and all of that. I am a human being and I have feelings too why are they so fucking selfish!?
Songs I can totally relate to right now…
Break Away – Kelly Clarkson Because of you - Kelly Clarkson
May 17 A really sad story...I went to the library today to get this Collage literary book of standardized tests (or something like that) I also went Monday but the library was closed and Tuesday I didn’t feel like getting wet so I stayed home, it's a total waste of time but I need to study the material in that book because I've got a meeting at Seneca Collage on the 25th and they are going to test me based on the material in this book, not that I care but it's very important that I pass, anyway getting to the point I reached the library (it was open) and I asked the librarian if she could help me find this book she checked on the computer and it turns out they didn’t have it. by this time it was 12:30 and I still hadn’t eaten anything and after the disappointing day I was having so far the thought of having to go home and cook myself something didn’t appeal to me at all, so I did what any teen with some cash would do, I went to the Burger King across the street. As I walk in I browse around and out of the corner of my eye I see this weird old lady drinking out of what looked like a used cup that someone had left on the table and she was talking to herself... I tried to mind my own business, so I go in order the usual, pay and walk over to this isolated little table by the window. I set my tray on the table and sit down. No sooner had I sat down that the old lady approaches me from behind and says. "Excuse me, may I join you I cant help feeling lonely over their all by my self, I'd really just like someone to talk too" at first I didn’t really know what to say... she was kind of creepy and everyone was staring... I was thinking... oh my gosh, what do I do? What if she's some crazy psycho maniac? But then I think to myself... She’s a lonely old lady, I’m in a public place what could she possibly do to me? Seriously I felt really stupid letting my self get scared of an old granny, seems quite silly when you think about it. so I said "Sure, go ahead" she sat down and started talking to me I don’t even know what she was saying I wasn’t really paying attention I was too busy examining her, she was quite the sorry sight.. I guess I didn’t really notice before I was too busy thinking she was crazy, it was like everything went completely silent, I could see her lips moving but all I could hear where my own thoughts. She was dressed in dirty old rags, looked like she hadn’t showered in months and I could tell she probably hadn’t eaten in a while as well, nothing decent at least. the sound comes back and out of no where I just kind of blurt out "Are you hungry?" she stops talking and puts her head down in a look and shame or embarrassment or both but she says "yes" so I tell her "watch my stuff" I came back with another tray and sat it down on the table in front of her she said "God bless you" and we ate lunch together. she had very pretty eyes but they looked so sad, I asked her if she had any family. she said no, the only family she had was her husband who died of a brain tumor a few years ago, she was so devastated she lost everything and ended up in the streets.. I've never heard such a sad story in my life... I mean, not in person at least, this woman wasn’t crazy she's just lonely. After we finished eating she left she said she was too cold and went to the mall where she could warm up a bit. I felt really bad, I wanted to ask her to come over to my place, take a shower, maybe change into some clean clothes my mom has boxes and boxes of old clothes to donate... but I really don’t no that much about her, I mean look what happened to Elizabeth Smart.. I doubt that would happen but either way my mom would kill me.. sounds kind of selfish now that I think about it.. I feel sort of responsible .. I mean sure its not my fault that she's living on the streets, but I could have done a lot more to help her.. and I didn’t. Just goes to show, life's never as bad you think.. I feel like such a drama queen now. My problems don’t seem half as bad as they did a few hours ago. I guess you cant really judge people by their appearance, appearances can be deceiving, I should have known that. Be grateful for what you have, you’re lucky to have it.
May 12 Just having some funfinish the poem --->
Life is such a drag
my parents are such fags
it makes me want to gag
i hate it when they nag
Michelle is such a snitch
she told my friends that i like mitch
i want to dump her in a ditch
somtimes i can be such a bitch
it's got to be some kind of glitch
now its your turn. go on have some fun. I'll post it. May 03 English : A stupid LanguageLets face it English is a stupid language. There is no egg in the eggplant No ham in the hamburger And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple. English muffins were not invented in England French fries were not invented in France. We sometimes take English for granted But if we examine its paradoxes we find that Quicksand takes you down slowly Boxing rings are square And a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. If writers write, how come fingers don't fing. If the plural of tooth is teeth Shouldn't the plural of phone booth be phone beeth If the teacher taught, Why didn't the preacher praught. If a vegetarian eats vegetables What the heck does a humanitarian eat!? Why do people recite at a play Yet play at a recital? Park on driveways and Drive on parkways How can the weather be as hot as hell on one day And as cold as hell on another You have to marvel at the unique lunacy Of a language where a house can burn up as It burns down And in which you fill in a form By filling it out And a bell is only heard once it goes! English was invented by people, not computers And it reflects the creativity of the human race (Which of course isn't a race at all) That is why When the stars are out they are visible But when the lights are out they are invisible And why it is that when I wind up my watch It starts But when I wind up this poem It ends. ~Anonymous~ April 29 Is It Love?Is it Love?
If you love some one because you think that he or she is really gorgeous ... then it's not love .. April 05 The worse thing that could ever happen, happendI have finally reached the end of my rope... this is the end for me I cant take anymore.. I have never in my life felt so betrayed so hurt so alone.. and I have no one to talk to... not at this time of night.. I mean morning..(12:51am) I cant believe I'm even posting about something so personal but if I don’t let it out somehow I am going to kill myself... My mom and I are.. were close or so I thought we never lie to each other and we always count on each other for everything I love her so much imagine loving someone so much and getting stabbed in the back by that person.. The pain is so intense you cannot even begin to imagine what I’m going through, what I’m feelling right now.. I’ll get to the point.. allot of you know that my parents are separated. well today my mom kicked me out of the house for reasons I will not talk about so I go to my dad's place and he has Roger’s digital cable or whatever so I order a movie and I wanted to tape it so I took this tape that looked kind of old and had no label on it and I taped the movie on it when the movie ended I wanted to see if it recorded okay so I clicked the play button... only I forgot to rewind it first.. What I saw on that tape will haunt me to my grave.. It was a tape of my mom and dad... they were having sex in the very bed I was sitting on.. I cant believe they would do something like this to me.. My mom is always acting like such the innocent church girl I can’t believe I fell for that! She is such a hypocrite! Stupid fucking liars! I can expect something like this from my dad but my mom! How could she keep something like this from me!? it wasn’t even that fucking long ago I can tell by the background among other things I hate them all! Do you know what I did? I called her on the phone I asked her how she could do something like this to me I told her I hate her and that nothing she could say would ever make this right you know what she did? She had the balls to deny it all. I have never been so furious so over the edge.. I went to her house to face her I knocked on that door so loud.. We had a big fight she said there was nothing going on between her and my dad and that she doesn’t have to explain anything to me because its her life can you fucking believe her!? How dare she!! she's always trying to fucking control my life and now when I catch her in a not a all innocent act not only does she deny it but she has nerve to tell me it's her life and not mine!? What the hell! It’s her life but what she does effects me too and its my life also! She’s my mother what kind of example is she setting! and what about me? what about my life! She wont even fucking let me date! Even though it's my life and she has the fucking nerve to tell me its her life!!! I hate her I hate her I hate her she makes me so sick!! I hate them both and I am not going to stay with either of them there is no way I am staying in that disgusting place of his... I just cant take that fucking image from my mind.. my dad was working when all this was happening and my mom called my dad to "knock some sense into me" I think she said oh man I don’t think I have ever hated someone so much in my life you know what that bleeping idiot said? he said what I saw was perfectly normal and natural and that they did nothing wrong, he said that he had accidentally left his cam on and that my mom didn’t even know about the tape what a fucking ass whole okay, yes sex may be perfectly natural but if its so right then why where they doing it behind my back!? huh? Can you tell me that? They are separated for fucks sake!! who knows what else they've been hiding from me those fucking hypocrites I hate them so much right now!! bastard! and who would believe something so fucking stupid as to "oh I left the camera on by accident" fucking bull! if it was an accident why the fuck did he keep that fucking tape!!? and another thing if sex is so fine and natural and dandy than why are they always giving me fucking lectures about it!! fine okay sex is normal right? fine it's normal for me too then. Don’t worry mom, dad I promise to use protection. I hate them so much.. I swear... losers.. posers liars hypocrites I have lost all respect I had for them. I can only imagine the other things they are hiding from me how many times a week do they do this I wonder.... fucking bastards.. I’m at my moms now and the only reason I’m here is because she begged me to stay said she was worried that I came all the way from finch here on midnight and whatnot that something could have happened to me... please cut the act I’ve taken in too much of your shit and lies already so she went to bed she's got work tomorrow.. I mean in a few hours .. I keep forgetting it already is "tomorrow" after she went to bed and I stayed down here (living room).. oh man the silence was killer! defining!! so I left my blog as it was and I went for a walk, a friend of mine joined me.. now I’m back it's like 3 am and I want to finish this retarded blog. that’s all I can I write for now. back, its 12:55 pm I can barely keep my eyes open I was up all night last night I went to bed at 6am that’s when everyone leaves so I've had 7 hours of sleep in total, you can imagine I’m pretty fucking tired not to mention cranky! my dad keeps calling on the phone he's left 15 messages they all say pretty much the same thing, that he's sorry I saw that tape, that they probably should have told me about it blah blah that, my mom didn’t know about the tape till now whatever est. I was in much a blind rage yesterday I mean this morning when I went for that walk that I forgot to hide my bag, cause when I got back from my little walk my mom was talking to the police apparently she was worried id been killed or raped or something.. please .. I know kung fu! .. oh wow I made a joke.. I guess I feel a teeny bit less crappy.. Whatever the point is that my mom found my bag and took that tape!!! and then my dad came I guess he left work or something I ran to the bathroom and locked the door I couldn’t even look at him just the sound of his voice coming in through the other side of the door was enough to make me sick to my stomach jerk.. after he finished his pathetic little speach he went to talk to my mom, they where wispering but I heard my mom say something like "look what your pervertivness has caused she has no respect for me now please destroy any and all other tapes you may have around there cause the last thing we need is for our smaller one to find a tape also" so I am guessing she gave the tape back to my dad.. fuck I was going to black mail them with that tape.. great.. I’m such a stupid idiot I lost the figin’ tape! I cant believe this.. the bad guys won I can never work for the c.i.a now that's for sure... I hate them I hate them both. after my dad left and my mom went back to bed I stayed up and when I heard them leave at about 6-7 am I came out and finished up my blog.. so their you have it the whole awful truth...It’s so unfair this is like the icing on the cake.. I had already had such a shitty day I had to go see my shrink and I accidentally let it slip out that I wanted to "drop dead" oh man they gave me such a lecture you wouldn't believe, they wanted to check my wrists to see if I had cuts I had to stay and extra two hours and then I go home (dad's place) and this happens!?...I cant believe this.. and all this time I thought my mom was the victim...and I thought I was devious.. Those deceitful liars.
March 03 Men Are Happier PeopleAre Just Happier People. What do you expect from such simple
creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend. Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck. You can play with toys all your life. Your belly usually hides your big hips. One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache. February 28 A Useful Tool You May Not Know AboutTweak UI PowerToy:The Tweak UI Power Toy is designed to allow you to customize the look of your Space. Once you add the Tweak UI Power Toy to your Space you can use it to control colors, module borders and transparency, and the background image’s placement and presence. Granular control combined with existing Spaces layout and module configuration allows for almost endless customizability and personalization.
Please note that this PowerToy, like the others, is available in English ONLY for now and is UNSUPPORTED.
Follow these steps to add this Power Toy to your Space:
(5) Custamize your space!
For an Example Click here |
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