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3月25日 Porn is EVIL!David watches porn he's been doing it since about the age of twelve I think it's safe to say that he's pretty addicted. I'm his girlfriend I HATE porn it’s evil, demeaning, and wrong. It makes me feel dirty and gross it's a real turn off, makes me furious it really brings out the feminist in me. I just don’t like that it makes woman out to be nothing more than a sex object and I am NOT a sex object. It makes me angry with men for treating woman with such disrespect and it makes me angry and woman for disrespecting themselves and making it okay for men to disrespect them like that. What they do doesn’t just impact them it impacts all woman and it makes it okay for men to treat us like whores. To me sex is something special and intimate shared only with the one person that you love and want to spend the rest of your life with. There's a reason it's called porn. Those girls are sluts and I don’t like feeling like a slut because I know I'm NOT. It doesn’t do wonders for my self esteem either I can tell you that much. I will never be or look like the girls in those videos and I don’t want to be either. Why can't I be enough? I feel insufficient and ugly. If I were enough he wouldn't need to look else were. It's like he desires that, like he wishes I were better, it hurt so much. I've talked to him about it, made my feelings and concerns known and for a while it worked but then he started again only this time it was behind my back it's like he thinks that as long as I don’t know about it then its okay well its not. Because porn just leads to more porn form pictures to videos and then possibly to real life cheating. Besides there's the fact that he lied to me and broke his promise its like he doesn’t even care how this makes me feel nor does he care the impact this is going to have on me when I find out which I did. I love him so much and I trust him not to "WANT" to cheat on me but he's more of a "spur of the moment" type of guy and doesn’t think about the consequences his actions are going to have until it's been done. Is porn to important that it's worth lying to me for? Is it so worth ruining our relationship over? I talked to him again when I found out that he was lying to me and watching porn behind my back and he stop again he was doing so good, stopped for so long but today I caught him watching porn on TV while he though I was sleeping what he doesn’t know is that I was trying to sleep. Just because my eyes are closed doesn’t mean I'm sleeping and I'm not deaf not to mention the fact that I'm an extremely light sleeper. He only watched for like 30 seconds before he turned the TV off but only because he thought it would wake me because he started taping it on his VCR and earlier that day I had found that he had searched for pornographic pictures on google's history and on the computer's recent documents there were a whole bunch of pictures that he had saved and deleted so that there wouldn’t be any traces left for me to find. I feel like he thinks he can out smart me like he thinks I'm stupid for example; we'll both be flipping through the channels on TV when suddenly we'll flip through a porno he's say things like "ew didn’t need to see that" or "gross every time I try to watch something with you this shit comes on" it must be awkward for him that I'm there and he cant watch I guess but he'll hold on to the channels for a few seconds before he actually changes the channel and that's because I give him this look sometimes its almost like he's looking over hoping I'll give him approval to watch it together or something. Every time that happens I worry so much because it scares me that it's going to make him crave it. He acts like he's disgusted by what he's seeing when in fact I know that he's wishing he could watch it. I'm not stupid I know its all an act why do you have to be fake like that? I asked to stop watching I didn’t ask to change the way you feel about it or pretend like you're not into it anymore I know you cant change that I'm not asking you to pretend like you don’t like it anymore I'm an idiot I know better. Don’t be two faced I hate that. What happened to being honest with me? You might as well be lying to me, it's an insult to my intelligence I don’t like being insulted. Maybe this is his way of comforting me or reassuring me but he's doing the exact opposite and by doing it behind my back you're telling me that you don’t care about my feelings and that you are deeply hurting me and that you are willing to risk that I might break up with you If I catch you this tells me that you do not love me if you are willing to lose me. I understand that this is like an addiction and it's not easy to just stop doing something you've been doing for so long but I'm not asking you to do this alone and I don’t expect it to be easy but I love you and I believe you when you say that you love me, that you want to stop and that you don’t want to hurt me. so let me help you. No more lies, complete honesty. I will understand if one day you lose control and temptation takes over just be honest about it don’t keep it to yourself, don’t hide it, hiding it wont make it go away and don’t let it turn into a cycle because of one screw up. I love you David I just want to make "us" work I believe you are my soul mate I want our love to last but I cant do it alone please, let's do it together. 引用通告此日志的引用通告 URL 是： http://rubymoon500.spaces.live.com/blog/cns!FB69EA6479FBE8C7!3074.trak 引用此项的网络日志
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